Winter 2021: The Fire
Life suspended and refined
by Melissa Medley
Hours, days, weeks suspended
Total lack of engagement on my part
No words, little response
Lines were drawn in the sand – truth vs. evil
Propafol, trach, feeding tube, muscles atrophying
Fever & sepsis – my body was weary from fighting
Nearby in a small waiting room were brothers and sisters
pleading with the heavens,
“Thy will be done.”
As Moses stood in the gap on behalf of Egypt,
so my tribe stood and pleaded for God’s mercy.
* * *
Four years later, here I am, still suspended.
Day-to-day life is full of anxiety due to many uncertainties.
Commitments are scary because of the unknown.
Broken body – muscle atrophy led to having to learn how to walk again,
neuropathy in both legs & feet has made me fall too often
Injured brain – memory gaps have made relationships difficult at times,
word recall makes forming a sentence frustrating
Damaged soul - I know I have not been forsaken and yet
He seems so far away during countless hours
of being alone.
I’m still trying to reclaim my spirit as new roots are tended to
like a well-maintained garden.
* * *
Life suspended can only survive so long.
How long can my life be delayed? I lived until I was 40 before I was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect (this would be diagnosed at birth today). Over the next decade I would endure three open-heart surgeries and countless procedures trying to make a weak heart beat.
Why has my life been spared? What does God want from me? Is there still something for me to learn? How am I to fill the hours of my day? Paul tells me in I Timothy, “the first thing I want you to do is pray.” I am, but do you hear me? Do you see how lonely I am? Do you hear the cries of my heart? I am eternally grateful and will live quietly humbled if that is your desire for me.